introspective

Tonight I received a response to a comment on a status about myself and this blog is not intended to be an argument to that; but rather, an unbiased introspective analysis.

I said “Would you expect anything less than originality from me?”. The interpretation taken was that I think that I am different from other people and consider myself very different from those around me. The response was from someone who knows me well and for awhile (pondering the comment) it bothered me and I found it depressing. At times, I think this is true even though in my head I know that it is not.

I don’t intend to separate myself from others. In reality I attempt to bridge gaps that I find with others. I want to connect with people on an intimate level (but on my own terms). I want to be original and do things that others are not doing. I want to be a success. And I think (naturally) that all of these things are what everyone wants in life. To be remembered for something after they have gone. To leave a footprint in the annals of history.

A friend once told me that the average person is forgotten within three generations. And though I know it is unlikely that I will stand out that vividly in the memory of anyone in that near future, I still attempt to make a mark. I try to create bonds with each person that I come in contact with and leave people feeling special. Often I fail at this due to a collision of my personal desires for my self coming into opposition with my desires for other people. In the end I feel I must do what is right for me. and that has the tendency of giving people a view of me that I am selfish.

I am selfish. As I think to some degree all people are and should be. Simply, to be healthy and to be human. I am not looking to make myself so different that I cannot connect with others. I wish to be just different enough that I can move forward and take others along for the ride.

I really don’t see myself as that original, I am the same as everyone else and have the same desires. A part of me wants to stand out amongst the rest. At the same time, I don’t really want to be “famous”. I don’t even like the idea.

I get dressed, I eat, I facebook, I blog, I shit, I sleep, I dream, I wonder, I laugh, I cry, and I FEEL as all people do. I am the same. and I know this and am not bothered by it. I, just like EVERYONE else, need NO reminder of my humanity! At times, I think it is this realization of how un-special I am that makes me different. Other times, I realize how everyone has that feeling some of the time.

In the end I think that we need each-other. That, we make each-other stronger and better.

In the same breath, like everyone else I don’t want to be judged for a silly comment about myself that I made on facebook. Especially when, the comment was a response I made to a comment on a comment about something that they differentiated me from other people in. Is there something wrong with agreeing with you? (rhetorical).

I just want life to go on and not have to defend myself for stupid things or waste my life away thinking how I should be to please other people. In all honesty (for the most part) What other people think of me doesn’t affect me.

Again, I am still human and, like everyone else… YES, I have insecurities and do asses how I can better approach people to get positive responses and think about how people see me. But, is that such a bad thing? (again rhetorical).

I feel different and separated from others in that, I want and need intimate connections that I feel I may never have. Because in all honesty I am (generally), attracted to those I can never be with and attract those I don’t think I could spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want a fling.

What I want is to be so madly in love with someone that all that matters to me is them. But, to matter so much to them that they want me to fulfill my dreams. I want someone that believes in me more than I do myself. I haven’t found that yet in a person that I think I could be with (or I have; but, again they cant be with me). So, I feel alone often. But I don’t feel so alone as I once did. and I don’t allow it to keep me from being involved with people (as I once did).

I am ever growing, ever improving, and ever adapting. Just like the rest of humanity… and that makes me glad!

Its late, I’m tired, and am pretty sure I’m just ranting.